This is probably the most vulnerable and scary post I will write on here. I think it is important to share my story and what led me here to start Encounter Outdoor. There are only a handful of people in my life that know my story and most just recently found out what that story is. I think the place I am in is that if my story can help someone or inspire them even if it is just one person than this story is worth sharing.
I started this site a few years ago as a way to document my new journey. A journey following divorce and life as a single Mom. It was a new chapter for me and my four boys. The boys started taking interest in new things outside and I had to learn a lot of new skills. This was good for me though. I had a lot of healing that needed to happen.
This healing and all the new adventures led to new parts of me and a passion came out. But in a lot of ways I used it as a way to not deal with some things from my past. Fast forward a few years and I found myself in a place I had never been. Fighting things I didn't know were there.
Towards the end of 2022 after a series of events. I found my place in uncharted waters. I was overworked in my career and personally I was hanging on by a thread. I had not slept in close to five months. Every time I would try and sleep I was haunted by various nightmares. Things in my every day life were triggering anxiety attacks. I didn't know what was going on with me and at the same time I could not control it to an extent. I was hiding the true issues from those around me and just trying to hold it together each day for myself and most importantly for my boys.
Due to the lack of sleep I found myself not wanting to go on. I had a place on the mountain that I imagined would be it. Honestly, that is as far as my thoughts went. But it scared me. Everything came to a head and I knew it was time to get help. It was time to address my past. I was reliving it daily, in my nightmares and randomly throughout the day. In college, I was raped. I spent years feeling shame and guilt for what had happened. For whatever reason I blamed myself as if I had done something wrong. I would tell myself I should have done this or this differently. I will say there are pieces of my divorce and other things that have happened to me but those stories in protection of my boys will remain silent.
As I starting getting help, it was as if a weight was lifted on my shoulders. I was diagnosed with PTSD and while that was difficult it gave me some direction in recovery. In this time, I took some time to focus on myself and my healing.
I remember in that first week to myself I went up to my favorite place, the ski hill. It was crazy that my anxiety would subside when I was outside. I would have a peace and calm that would come over me. In a lot of ways it was the only place I felt safe. On this first day out I got invited to hike up and ski with some people I had just met. I probably would have said no in my current state before just isolating myself and not wanting to project my issues on anyone else. But on this day, I said yes. While we were out various questions were asked about me and one question shook me to my core. "Heidi, what made you lose your spark?"
I kept asking myself, Heidi, what did? I focused so hard on providing as a single Mom, chasing money and my career. I lost focus on what was not only truly important but who I was created to be. What was my purpose?
And so each day I would go skiing and think and dwell on what my passion truly was. I knew the things that made me happy but I had lost direction. I had given up, told myself I wasn't enough. As, I continued therapy and working on things. We came to a point where I was going to write a letter to my attacker. To tell him what he did to me, what he took. So I went up on the mountain and wrote this letter to a man that I did not know his name but was haunted by his face. I balled and wrote out every word of how I felt. It was a cloudy and almost gloomy day. As the letter came to a close, the clouds parted and the sun starting shining down on me. I could not have planned that if I tried.
I knew in that moment, my story wasn't over. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help others find their healing, to know they are not alone, to find their purpose. And I wanted to do all of it through the outdoors. A place that gives me peace.
I went home that night and as I laid in the bath and scrolled on my phone this short clip came on and this was the lyrics that sang, "I will send out an army to find you. In the middle lot the darkest night. It's true, I will rescue you." And I balled. Those were lyrics from a Lauren Dangle song. I knew the song. I didn't know the army. In the midst of this battle, God sent an army to save me. He brought me a group of people I didn't know but took me in and poured life back into me in the most unexpected ways. They encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me. They were there for me and didn't even know they were. They saved my life. My family loved me through the broken parts of me and were there in so many ways.
A few weeks in to all of this my house flooded and had to rip out almost the entire second floor of my home. At moments I felt so overwhelmed but truly everything happened as it should. God was rebuilding our life from the ground up. I would be lying if I said there are not still moments of doubt. I see life so differently. I have this crazy dream of using my story to help others. And to also design again. I love to create and merging my love for the outdoors, clothing design, and helping others seems wild but also it feels as though I am exactly where I should be.
There is a long road ahead. One with failure. One with a lot of hard work. But with each step I feel I am walking the path I was meant for and I am so glad you are here to be a part of it.
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