When I started thinking about writing a blog so many months ago, I had no idea at the time this would be a post that would be written by me. I had no idea at that time that I had PTSD. But here we are and I hope by sharing my story and what I have gone through, may help someone in their journey.
Since I was diagnosed I really struggle with using the term. As if my trauma is not heavy enough to have this diagnosis. That what others have endured is so much more difficult. But then I start to think of those moments I went through and know maybe someone else is there and struggling the same. Those moments when I thought I was "crazy." Those moments I just wanted to "snap out of it." But that didn't happen. No matter how severe it is for you, we all need the same thing, support.
Let's rewind a bit. My trauma happened so many years ago and I never dealt with it. Never talked about it except once during a volunteer event. I could barely get words out and that was the last time. I remember it vividly. I was sitting around a table of women. To be able to volunteer at this organization it was important to go through a lengthy theraputic process. Their belief was that you can't heal others if you haven't done your own healing. Valid. Truth. So for weeks I had gone through the process. But it was alone. I wrote in my book, I read the chapters I was doing the work. But the work was between me and God. In all honesty, the pen never fully wrote the truth, I wanted to continue to avoid it. As the women each shared, my heart raced as the each one got closer and closer to me. I really didn't want to speak, I was hoping for anything to interrupt my turn. It didn't. Tears streamed down my face as my voice cracked and I spoke that I was raped. I think I mustered out that sentence and that's all I could.
At the time I was pregnant with my last son. I started bleeding uncontrollably and found out the placenta had torn away from the uterus wall. The doctor told me to prepare to lose him as I was placed on bed rest. I prayed and sat on bed rest for 7 months until my healthy baby boy was born. And I never saw the women again that heard those words mustered from my mouth, so it was a good time to bury it. Until the end of 2022...it began to rear its ugly head in my life without me knowing or preparing for it.
My life and career were at all times high of stress. I got to a point where I was not sleeping. I mean four months of minutes of sleep. When I did sleep, I was woken up by nightmares. Reliving that night. Over and over, every feeling, sight, sound, it was there. As if it was yesterday. In started to transition into my day, flashbacks. I would be driving and I wasn't there, I was back in that moment. As if he was next to me in the passenger seat.
I didn't speak to anyone, my family wasn't aware, my friends were not aware. How do you suddenly talk about a rape that is haunting you from so many years ago. I did my best to "act" as if everything was fine from day to day but it wasn't. I was functioning on no sleep and pushing through. The thing we so often think is the only answer to difficulties, just push through. While that is true to an extent, there are moments to recognize that that is not the method to heal. I had no idea what I needed to heal.
I just wanted it to stop. My mind to shut off. There was only one way I felt it would happen peramently. So I began to plan where and when. Toying with a dangerous thought more often than anyone should without reaching out for help. I went to that spot and cried out to God. I loved life, I loved my boys but I was not okay. He spoke to me and I knew I needed to step away. I took some time to heal myself and address the demons in my mind.
I immediately started therapy and the one thing we identified is that the outdoors was the one place those thoughts started to go away. Where my anxiety would not overtake me. So she told me to keep doing what I was doing, get to where I could control it and then we would meet and work through each part of the process. In those moments God spoke to me on the mountain tops to use my story, to help others find healing. So this journey began.
Bad days never go away completely, but what I can do now is recognize the signs and triggers. I know when to pivot through my day to take control of my life instead of letting the trauma take control. The most difficult task but the most freeing task if and when you get there. While no one story is the same, I can guarantee four things that can change the journey for anyone facing PTSD. God. Therapy. Outdoors. Community.
You combine those four you have combination that will change your life. Those are all the things we are focused on as we continue to build Project E.O. There are so many plans in the works and cannot wait for them to come to fruition. Whether this helps one person or a thousand, it makes this journey worth it and I am so grateful you are here.
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